Who is to say how many times it takes hearing, “I love you,” to really hear it? Receive it? Accept it?
It was a year and a half before one day, in the midst of an argument with my boyfriend (now husband) that I heard it. My 10,000 plus one sounded like this:
“You know, just because we are arguing, we are not breaking up. You know that, right?”
No. I had not known that.
In that moment over twenty years ago, after hearing him tell me for over eighteen months that he loved me, I finally received and accepted that he did. A rush of sadness followed in thinking about what frustration he must have felt in my deflection and doubts. A deep gratitude settled in my heart that I was able to feel love with this exceptional man.
I was thinking about all of this today when reading about how much God—my God of good and love and one-ness—loves me, and has loved me all of my life.
I was thinking about the smile I felt on my soul when I heard, years and years ago in the silence and safety of meditation, “I am with you, Theresa.” I recalled all of the beautiful love notes left for me in nature or in the written Word, or scribed over years in sweet relationships with others—some still with me, some not. And, I bowed to the hard losses that brought teachings and promises so rich and true that I can not doubt the presence and power of eternal Love.
So, how can I know which of those moments, 10,000 or more, tipped me into knowing the love of God—the love of One? While the grace of this is uncalculatable, the surety is real.